Piece written for China Connection Magazine
More than 30 years slipped away before my mother and I really discussed my adoption. My earlier attempts were delivered in the form of sporadic, cautious hints. I would mention Vietnam or one of my writing projects in the hope it would develop into further discussion. However, only silence resulted, followed by her strategically changing the topic. Why did this have to be so difficult?
Baffled and infuriated by her continued reluctance, I had to accept that dancing on eggshells would get me nowhere. Direct confrontation would eventually be my only option. So during a recent phone conversation, I told her that I’d been researching my adoption history. She asked if I’d spoken to my father to which I replied, “Yes but I need to know what you have to say.”
Silence.
“You know that’s all water under the bridge…” she began before I cut her off.
My frustration had reached its peak, “Mom, I don’t want to do this anymore. Whatever it is, all I’m asking for is your side of the story.”
It really was that simple, which left me wondering why it had been so difficult in the first place. I’ve yet to fully understand why we never talked about my adoption in depth and still look back with great sadness. Establishing honest communication lines between us might have prevented years of misunderstanding and offered a more solid foundation on which to build our relationship. The silence fostered only presumption, frustration, and mistrust and led to more silence.
Establishing Dialogue
Those are some of the reasons why the subject of open, honest dialogue and its benefits has become so important to me. Writing about my adoption has become a means by which to open communication lines between me and other adoptees, adoptive parents and the Vietnamese-American community. My early, tentative steps toward communicating with others about my experiences and thoughts came in the form of a blog that I created “Ethnically Incorrect Daughter.” Blogging brought with it many rewarding experiences but it wasn’t without its challenges.
Initially, my intent was to reach out to other adoptees, but over time I began to hear from adoptive parents. Some were seeking advice, some offered advice and support. Then there were the ones who took a defensive stance seeming to wish I would just go away. I was surprised by all the assumptions many readers made about me, my parents and my life as an adoptee. Worse still, there were those who seemed to forget that I was an adult with children of my own. Many times adoptive parents met my more critical writing with patronizing comments suggesting I seek therapy in order to help me “move on” or “get over” my adoption.
Like my mother, I became the reluctant one – less willing to engage in active exchanges with adoptive parents. I’m sure these conversations were happening in other places, but I wanted to retire to my own quiet circle to flesh out my ideas among my adoptee peers. There it was safe and validating at a time when reassurance was what I badly needed. In the meantime, I was receiving requests from moderators of Yahoo! Groups to submit some of my writing to online discussions involving only adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents. All of this began to feel quite uncomfortable with adoptees and adoptive parents – perceived as voicing criticism of the other – standing on opposite sides and gazing at each other from afar.
The subject of adoption can be overwhelming for both groups. And each of us needs our safe haven. But remaining within them does little to help us understand one another.
Exchanges Among Members of the Adoption Community
As an adoptee, I’ve sought to acknowledge and understand the root of my own wariness when it comes to engaging adoptive parents. Much of it could be boiled down to a fear of being labeled and judged – possibly the result of my early experiences with some adoptive parents. Is it possible that those same adoptive parents felt I was judging them for their parenting choices or their decision to adopt?
I think most adoptees who speak critically of their adoption experiences are aware that they represent possible outcomes rather than the inevitable result of either “good” or “bad” adoptive parents. Some of us had loving, attentive parents who not only supported our explorations, but became actively involved in assisting us. Some of us did not, but somehow found ourselves on the same page as those who did. The reasons why are unique to each adoptee, and this shatters the widely held notion that adoptees who have critical things to say about adoption had unhappy childhoods or resent their parents.
It would stand to reason that we are also aware of the dangers of judging adoptive parents in a similar manner. That is another reason many of us articulate that there is no “one” answer or guidebook for raising a “well-adjusted, happy adoptee.” Again, this brings me to presumption and judgment. Who said we were unhappy? And who is to judge whether we’re well-adjusted or not?
Even most adoptees I know are cautious about coming to those kinds of conclusions. What I think we can offer is insight into our experiences and how we interpret them as adults, common pitfalls and possible ways of dealing with them, and the wider view of adoption that we have cultivated. Let us not forget that this can be an actual exchange of perspectives, offering ideas for possible parenting strategies, and can pave the way to a more active dialogue between us. Adoptees should not be thought of as “resources” but as equal members and contributors within the adoption community.
In my experience, interactions with adoptive parents have provided possible insights into my mother’s perspective. Was her seeming unwillingness to talk the result of uncertainty more than anything else? It’s probable that she simply didn’t know how to talk about the circumstances of my adoption. When do I tell her? Should I tell her? How do I tell her? What will happen if I do? Perhaps she was waiting for a cue but I was mistaking her uncertainty for reluctance so I never gave her a definite one. She then took that as a sign that I didn’t want to know and our cycle continued unbroken until now.
Both adoptees and adoptive parents can benefit if we can keep honest communication lines open. Some level of trust must be established. In order to accomplish that, the defenses have to come down opening the way for honest exchanges. That means becoming aware of and addressing misperceptions we might have about one another and reminding ourselves that we must seek to understand as well as be understood.
Brilliantly expressed EID.
Thank you so much for sharing from your heart and being an encouragement to others.
You are absolutely right.
Thank you EID- I have been reading you for a while, off and on. I found you through Heart Mind and Seoul.
I am an adoptive parent and KNOW I have so much to learn. Thank you for letting me read and share your experience, I don’t take it for granted.