Comments for Ethnically Incorrect Daughter

Comment on Thoughts on Daughter from Danang by Féria del Condado de Ross « blog de madresimaginarias

Féria del Condado de Ross « blog de madresimaginarias — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:57:07 +0000

[...] perspectiva sobre la adopción, este tipo de reuniones, se aborden con más sensibilidad. Gracias Ethnically Incorrect Daughter por la perspicacia de su opinión sobre la película. He estado filmando para el documental en Ohio [...]

Comment on Thoughts on Daughter from Danang by BSR

BSR — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:45:37 +0000

I am an adoptee, though not a transculture adoptee. I have been reunited with some of my family, after a long search, for 7 years. I will say that many of the emotions that were shared in the film are very common in many adoption reunions. Unfortunately, there were also many adoption reunion “red flags” in their reunion. These red flags need to be dealt with in order for the reunion to progress. But Heidi feeling that she was the parent, and her mom was the child, feeling smothered, seeing the highs of the original reunion moment, and the lows later on, seeing her “close the door” in the end, but not “lock it” all of these are very common in reunions. When you add the cultural differences, I can imagine the stress that both of them were feeling. Most professionals who help with adoption reunion issues would never urge her to go in and stay for 7 days with her newly reunited family, much less with no help and support. Most recommend a very controlled and limited first visit, and then build slowly from there. Additionally, it is not really the best idea to meet everyone at once. Reunions are rollercoaster rides, and here Heidi was sent to a new culture and had little ability to communicate to others, and no one to be there for her.
I would love to see Heidi get some help from adoption reunion support groups, and maybe she would see that her feelings are normal and she can still work through them and maybe find a comfortable place. Some comments mentioned the games she played with her husband when she returned, but this too is “normal” adoptee behavior. Many adoptees have a hard time being able to trust, to be close, to share. Her husband has his work cut out for him.
I am a search angel, I help to reunite families, so I have seen this many times. I do wish that Heidi would be willing to try to deal, and maybe as somone mentioned, agree to send a small stipend as this would help her family financially, and her mother emotionally as well. I also believe that ultimately it would help Heidi. I believe her mother, who already had such a burden of guilt, will now feel even more guilt and I would love to see more communication and reunion support on both sides. I agree with the blog post, the story was very eye opening, but the way this reunion was set up almost guaranteed a failed reunion, and I feel that a successful reunion should have been the primary goal of all parties. Hopefully they will get some support of people who help with reunions.

Comment on Thoughts on Daughter from Danang by Elena

Elena — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:53:14 +0000

I agree that the filmmakers exploited Heidi and were insensitive to (or ignorant of) the emotional turmoil that young adoptees face in reunion, even under the best of circumstances.

I felt a close connection to Heidi in that like her I was born in 1968, came into this world as a result of the war, was placed for adoption, and reunited with my birth mother while in my 20s. (Unlike Heidi’s experience, my parents were both American college students who met at an anti-war rally.)

The first question adoptees in reunion often ask is “Why did you give me away?” To be confronted with a demand for money is of course going to cause any adoptee to recoil in horror. I mean, after being thrown to the curb, how can she be considered to owe money to the very person who abandoned her?

After being in reunion for 19 years, I now feel that I do owe my birth mother something. She brought me into this world and has been a loyal friend to me for almost two decades. If she asked me for anything now I would give it to her happily. If she had asked me for money upon first meeting me, I would have run screaming for the door. Isn’t this understandable?

That said, the desperate poverty of Heidi’s birth family must also be acknowledged. I wonder if a small stipend, say $50 a month, would have made a huge difference. Heidi did seem rather hard-hearted in response to the hopeless poverty and vulnerability in front of her eyes.

The deep-seated anger, pain, sadness, and confusion over being given away at age seven must have blocked any compassion that she otherwise might have felt for her birth family. This is understandable to me because, like her, I have lived it.

It’s also understandable to me that in 2002 at the age of 27 after having grown up in the rural South, she was not fully versed on the cultural differences between America and Vietnam. If she had foreseen what would happen, she would have been truly remarkable. Her relatives in Vietnam were equally unprepared and surprised by Heidi’s cultural mindset and attitudes.

Comment on Thoughts on Daughter from Danang by Féria del Condado de Ross « blog de madresimaginarias

Féria del Condado de Ross « blog de madresimaginarias — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:18:54 +0000

[...] sobre la adopción, este tipo de reuniones, se abordarán con más sensibilidad. Gracias Ethnically Incorrect Daughter por su perspicacia en su opinión sobre la película. He estado filmando para el documental en Ohio [...]

Comment on Movie Alert by Brandon Price, R.F.

Brandon Price, R.F. — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 06:28:21 +0000

Just got done watching the movie for the second time. Yes, I’m a cowboy at heart. Am I educated enough to see the historical flaws of the film? Yes. But I am also relaxed American who enjoys a good story with stunning scenes of the Rockies. No amount of bias toward political “correctness” would influence me enough to not watch this movie. Are movie actors overpaid? Probably, but only because society allows it. Even if he is, Duvall is a legend as an actor and from what I read, very down to earth. All of the whiners that rant on this blog are emotional timebombs who wouldn’t have a life if the internet ceased to exist.