Really? I didn’t know that.
It’s annoying when well meaning but presumptive people attempt to explain away or justify my adoption with “things happen for a reason”. The sarcasm becomes a living entity that wants to claw its way out of my mouth and bite them in the face.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard that statement over the last month. Don’t get me wrong. It all depends on context. I can empathize when a person says it as a way of coming to terms with events in their lives they can’t explain or don’t want to delve into. I can even politely smile when religious people say it. If they believe some higher power is orchestrating all our lives around some greater plan, that’s their business. I’m all for a person’s right to believe in whatever they want as long as they don’t try to impose it on me.
For some, it’s a source of comfort. I’m sure many feel it’s consoling for others, but I’m not one of them. It’s dismissive. They might as well be saying that the reason doesn’t matter. Everything was “meant to be” so no one need take responsibility or be held accountable for their choices. Why worry about it? Why think about it? Give up. Let it go. Move on.
Again, don’t get me wrong. Yes, things do happen for a reason. For example, I received a citation for not having a current inspection sticker because I failed to have my car inspected. I was flat broke when inspection time came around and couldn’t get it done. Later on, life got really chaotic, and I just plain forgot. I decided to go to the library one day and ended up driving down the wrong street at the wrong time. Mr. Policeman was more than happy to remind me of my expired inspection sticker. That same week, I went and had my car inspected. When the due date for the fine rolled around, I went to the court house and showed them the receipt. The young man at the court house was nice enough to wave the fine and send me on my way.
What happens to us is often the results of choices we make. Sometimes, it’s the result of choices others make. Sometimes, the course of our lives is the result of a combination of the two. Sometimes, our choices are based on the choices others make. Still, there are other times when life just happens and then we’re ultimately left with a choice. The options presented to us aren’t always ideal and sometimes we just make really bad decisions. The point is that in the end, it’s what we – and sometimes those connected to us – do that decides not necessarily the destination but the path we take to get there.
Looking back, beyond the limits of my first memories can be a confusing process, especially when the historic truth is reliant upon the honesty and memories of others. However, I can still partially see how I arrived “here”. There’s no need to feel either completely in control or completely out of control, but one thing I absolutely cannot do is throw reason to the wind and dismiss it all as “destiny”.
Perhaps it comes down to my attempt to relieve myself of some of the uncertainty with which I’ve been forced to live. Of course, we all have to live with some amount of it, but most do not have to deal with the same kind of uncertainty regarding their history as they do their future. Looking back is just as murky as looking forward which leaves many of us with only “now”. Hope does lie in the future, but for me there’s more to it than simply moving forward.
The choices I make “now” will not only affect my future, but can also affect my past. If I choose to close my eyes to my history, it remains locked away. If I choose to delve, my actions now and in the future could simultaneously push me through opening doors to my history. It’s like moving forwards and backwards at the same time.
In a figurative sense, adoptees must sometimes become their own Kwisatz Haderach “existing many places at once”, bridging the past with the present while paving the way for their future. However, learning lessons from the past, understanding how it’s led to the present and how both may affect the future is the closest thing to prescience most can ever hope to have.
For those sitting there thinking, ” Yeah, she’s off her rocker,” you’ve missed the point and are taking me too literally.
I suppose I could save myself some writing, be less geeky about it and use George Santayana’s quote, “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
David C. McCullough’s quote would do nicely, “History is a guide to navigation in perilous times. History is who we are and why we are the way we are.”
Those are more straight forward, but not nearly as much fun.
“I’m sure many feel it’s consoling for others, but I’m not one of them. It’s dismissive. They might as well be saying that the reason doesn’t matter. Everything was “meant to be” so no one need take responsibility or be held accountable for their choices. Why worry about it? Why think about it? Give up. Let it go. Move on.”
HELL YES.
This is the exact reason why I can no longer have a “fate” discussion with some APs. As someone else said, sticking the “it was Fate/God” theory out there and saying “it was Meant To Happen” clearly implies wanting to avoid the issue and not have to even *think* about the consequences of their actions and having to see that just MAYBE they had a hand in it.
And the APs that DO say, “Yes. I understand that no amount of higher deity would have WANTED this baby girl to end up abandoned JUST so we could adopt her” – those APs are truly the ones who gain my utmost applause because they’re willing to admit that to some extent, they played a part in it too – by adopting and admitting that it wasn’t “meant to be” rather than claiming over and over again that the entire ordeal is not their fault.
If you go to my blog, you’ll notice that there was a conversation about this very issue – not about the Fate conflict, but about how I would have grown up bilingual if my parents had chosen to remain in Singapore. Notice the last line of dialogue where she says: “Good point. *pause* OH WELL, there’s no use talking about it NOW.”
There’s another avoidance tactic. No point in discussing what didn’t happen because hey, you’re in reunion now so there was OBVIOUSLY no consequence at all and our adoption was perfect because you’ll get to reunite anyway!
UGH.
So in summarization, Sume: THANK YOU.
It’s hard to believe that there are still AP’s who insist on the destiny idea. It’s like yeah, a god out there did ALL to other people just so YOU could have someone else’s baby. You must be REALLY special. Of course, most probably don’t mean it that way, but it’s the way it can sound to someone who’s lost so much. Not only is it dismissive, it’s insensitive to the loss adoptees and birth families have suffered. And there’s that touch of self-centered privilege/arrogance as if adoptees’ and birth mothers’ existed just to give them what they wanted. Ulgh.
If the blog post you were referring to is the one that’s pass-protected, I couldn’t read it.
Habibte, I wonder if being adopted by a well-meaning couple is worse than being raised with your natural family and being molested and abused by members of it? I’m sure I can’t imagine the trauma and neurosis of being removed from your natural family and culture without your consent. I guess the difference is that when I grew up I made the decision to buck the system that hurt me, whereas you never had the opportunity to decide for yourself if the system you were removed from was hurtful to you or not. Forgive me if I’m saying anything offensive to you. I’m trying to relate to what you are saying. Am I close to getting what you mean? I want to understand as well as I can because I like to listen to people tell their stories in their own words, with their own passion, emotion, feelings, thoughts, etc. You are a beautiful person.
Salaams Hajar,
I think we may be missing each other somehow. The point of my post was to emphasize that telling adoptees their lives boiled down to fate wasn’t always a good idea.
I know what you’re saying, Hajar, so no, you’re not saying anything offensive. If it were that cut and dry, then the answer is obvious. No one should have to remain in an abusive situation. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but the way you pose the question makes it sound like an either/or situation. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that some are adopted into families who’s members sometimes abuse and even end up killing them.
Yes, the difference is choice. Of course, those of us who were adopted as infants had none. A combination of circumstances and someone thinking they knew better made those choices for us. What a lot of adoptees seem to want most is for whoever made those choices to own up to them and help correct some of the wrongs committed “in our best interest.” Open birth records, help us find our histories and family members, or at least, don’t put obstacles in our way. Don’t tell us to just let it go because “it was meant to be.”
It’s been a long time, woman. Big hugs.
Reading this post (and finding Mei Ling’s fabulous blogs, courtesy of her comment above) has really gotten me thinking hard about what it is that I’ve been really feeling about the role of fate/higher powers/ etc. in my journey to parenthood. I’ve been struggling for some time with the part of me that has intensely felt, regarding this part of my life, like there was something beyond myself guiding my path (which is TOTALLY atypical for me) and the part of me that has feared that acknowledging this would be disrespectful to my child. So I’ve been occasionally taking this struggle out, looking at for a brief instant, and then putting it away just as quickly. But your writings really spoke to me in a way that I was encouraged to sit with it and sort it out, and I wanted to say thanks and share what I’ve come to in case it’s helpful to someone else:
(1) I DO feel I was, in some unexplainable way, guided to become an adoptive parent.
(2) I DO NOT feel or believe that my child was “fated” to be an adoptee – his separation from his first family was most definitely societally propelled, and incredibly unfair to all of them.
(3) I DO feel that being matched with my child was the best thing that ever happened to me, and feel incredibly grateful that I was being guided to be paper ready at the time that my child was next in queue for matching.
(4) I DO NOT need to try to rub out my own feelings in order to be supportive of my child. However, I DO have to separate my own experiences/journey from his experiences/journey, which are for him alone to feel and claim. My job as a parent is to validate and support his experience, NOT to interpret it for him in a way that serves to validate mine.
I see. I think you’re saying, ‘Few things in life are black and white.’ And I have also heard horrific stories of adoptees who were abused by their adoptive families. It sounds like your adoption was closed. Because I think it sounds like it would benefit you if you could at least meet your biological mother and/or relatives. Then you could at least have a clue what your life might have been like if you had been left with them. It’s sometimes hard for me to understand and come to terms with life and cultural mores and changes between my past and present but at least I could draw you a map and tell you precisely the journey I have taken. I just can’t imagine having a big blank wall or a locked door between myself and my past, like you do.
Hugs back. I was off line for about a year, so I didn’t know who would still be around when I finally got back. I have 7-months-old twin boys now. They keep me laughing and challenge me every day.
“It’s hard to believe that there are still AP’s who insist on the destiny idea.”
Having felt, at one time, a pull of love so strong to my children that I couldn’t find any other reason for it than it was meant to be, I sort of understand why a-parents continue to believe this. What I find impossible to understand, twenty years later and far more pragmatic about the reality of my children’s reliquishment and entry into our family, is that adoption workers don’t make a point of re-educating prospective PAPs when they can.
I say this not to excuse my own one-time beliefs, but to question why spo little changes in the face of reality.
I haven’t been reading anyone much lately, but am glad I stopped by to read this very wise post.