This is another one of those smack-worthy sayings. It sometimes falls from insensitive people’s mouths when an adoptee talks about their adoptive parents in a less than glowing way. I’ve heard it said to other adoptees. People have said it to me when I’ve described what my father put me through. It’s annoying and shows a mind-blowing amount of ignorance and lack of thought.
The ironic thing is that I and other adoptees have already described how many times we’ve had to tell people, “They are my real parents,” when asked if we know who they are. Personally, I no longer make that distinction as I feel that both sets of my parents are my real parents only in different ways. I will no longer be forced to chose between the two. Some will disagree with me, and that’s fine. I think the way an adoptee choses to personally define his or her familial ties should be up to the adoptee.
Yes, I’m upset with my dad, my dad, not some person. I don’t need someone telling me who my parents are. Duh.
Asalaamu alaikum.
I totally know how you feel. It is really crazy to me that people can’t just let you express yourself without jumping to conclusions and judgments about how you are feeling.
I am blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my adoptive parents. But it wasn’t always wonderful either… And I remember being really annoyed with my older sister when she found her birth father. Because she constantly referred to him as her “real” father rather than as her “birth” father or just father (why do we feel compelled to explain our multiple parents anyway?). He wasn’t much of a father anyway, he took advantage of her. But also, I just felt like “your ‘real’ father is the one who took you and taught you how to speak, paid for all your medical bills including the ‘cosmetic’ surgeries to reconstruct your face because of your birth defect, who has stood by you and loved you and cared for you your whole life and always accepted you as you are”.
I am sad that I wasn’t able to meet my birth father before he died. I do feel a connection to him, and what little I can find out about him I feel I am alot like him. But make no mistake, my daddy is the man who raised me and took care of me, who is one of my best friends now as an adult. They are not mutually exclusive. And I can criticize the man who raised me, who abused me, who still irritates the heck out of me with some of his crazy ideas. I can criticize him because he is my father, and I have the right to note the not only the good, but also the bad, and to work through how that affects our relationship.
It’s no one else’s place to tell you how to work through your feelings, or how to build your relationship or whatever.
Here, here. In general it’s just so annoying when people wish to impose their ideals onto your reality.
Yep. And sometimes your “real” parents make you feel “real” shitty, too.
Mmm hmm. Been there, done that.
“But shouldn’t you be considering your ‘real’ (adoptive) parents’ feelings?”
They’ve had me for nearly 20 years. I think it’s about time I gave some attention to my other family.
Both are real. Why is that such a difficult concept?
“Your adoptive parents are the ones who raised and cared for you, they are your ‘real’ parents. Your biological family is just DNA.”
This is what I feel like saying to those comments: Um, in case you haven’t noticed, if my biological mother and father hadn’t given birth to me, I wouldn’t even BE here. So give at least a little respect to that fact, okay, APs?
In other words: Hell yes, I agree with your post. Why should WE be forced to choose?
- Mei-Ling
Amen Sister! I hear you and it’s infuriating. There are so many forced distinctions we as adoptees are expected to adhere to.
It’s like they are saying “the parental badge of honor” outweighs your inner most feelings, your freedom to make your OWN choices about how you process having two sets of parents. There are too many factors involved. It really needs to be an individual and very personal choice without any advice from the peanut gallery.
“I think the way an adoptee choses to personally define his or her familial ties should be up to the adoptee.”
“It really needs to be an individual and very personal choice without any advice from the peanut gallery.”
That is so true, Sumeia and Mia. So true. We all have one thing in common and that is that we are all TRAs, however.. how we were raised and under the circumstances that we were raised in defines our family ties all together. It’s our choice to call them “Our real parents”. Our biological parents gave us DNA, but our adopted parents raised us as their own. Our stories vary as some of us have researched and discovered something else from our past. Growing up I defined them as Mom and Dad. But in recent light, I discovered I had another “family” that took care of me back in Vietnam that I vaguely knew about. And now I don’t see my Mom and Dad as being real parents in an adopted sense although they raised me. But I see them as people who had to raise me because it was expected of them. This was their duty and nothing more. Not a lot of love was given to me. Emotionally, physically and mentally. My life growing up was not a picnic in the park. But I slowly accepted them as “Mom” and “Dad” They were the two people who had power over me and dictated how I should have been raised.
And now with this recent news, it has shook my world in a whole new way. I can’t ignore the fact that this other family almost adopted me as their own. And considered me as their own daughter. They gave me an initial start in my early life. They treated me a whole lot better than this other set of parents did. But it wasn’t in the cards for them and I was soon adopted by this U.S. family. Since my initial contact with this other family, they remind me constantly of my time spent with them back in Vietnam because that’s what they remember me most about. I can’t ignore the fact. After all these years of not knowing what happened to them I can’t ignore them. They are a part of my past and now a part of my present and future. They are my family too.
And I honestly don’t see my adopted parents as being real parents to me. With what I went through living with them, THAT was NOT real parenting. They raised me how they wanted to raise me as (in polite terms) being an obedient submissive house maid and that’s about it. It all boils down to the individual adoptee’s experiences growing up.
All APs are accountable for their own actions whether they’re good intentions or bad. What they do now to their adopted children, it will have a major impact on their children’s lives when they become adults. Believe me, for any APs reading this, you will be held accountable for your actions in the long run. And let me tell you, it will either be a rewarding experience or not so rewarding one.
I don’t think any one person can compare their parents, birth or adoptive, to anothers. We as adoptees all have different lives, stories, and families. And I believe 100% it is our choice as adoptees to refer to our parents (birth or adoptive) in any way we see fit.
My parents are the only parents I have ever had or known. They adopted me, and they are my real parents. My life started when a passerby found me on a street in 1972 and I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life since then. I am grateful that my birth parents left me in a way that denoted they obviously wanted me to be found and taken care of. I was basically a basket baby left around the corner from a police station in Seoul.
I never use the term adoptive parents..I have parents and birth parents. My life was not easy, but I had a very common dysfunctional family…just like 80% of the rest of this country. My families problems and issues were not based on my adoption. I am very proud to be Korean and have instilled that in my two children and at the same time I have taught them all about our families heritage. My mom is italian and my dad was irish. I have researched my families geneaology and many people would ask why do you want to know about people you’re not related to? I found that to be an asinine question…..my answer is and will always be because that’s my family also.
My dad passed away a little over 3 months ago…I had just turned 35 and he had just turned 64. He was my dad and the void that he has left in my life in uncomparable to any loss I haver ever felt. My parents were married for 38 years and I have since moved back in with my mom to help her get through all this. Believe me any tiny morsel of doubt I ever had about how I felt about my parents was completely wiped away the second I realized in August that my dad had terminal cancer and I didn’t know how much longer I was going to have with him. My family and I bonded together as always during difficult situations and I gave my dad’s eulogy. No one ever questioned why his “adopted daughter” gave the eulogy. Everyone who came to the service told me about how my dad had told them how proud he was of me. My dad never classified me as his adopted daughter and I never classified him as my adopted dad. I have a half sister, who is my dad’s natural daughter, but she was raised by her mom. And it’s the same for her…we don’t walk around saying she’s the real daughter and I’m the adopted one. We always refer to each other as our dad’s other daughter.
but but but….
kids don’t ever fight with their real parents. They don’t get angry, rebel, lash out, or anything at their real parents….
Just kidding. Of course.
Been absent for some time… but I’m back. It’s good to see you are still writing.
You know… when people tell me things, I often wonder who they are trying to convince, and I often times realize that they are trying to convince themselves.