“crossing seasons” by sume
For www.flickr.com/groups/topic/31239/, original photo by rhidundantx2
Bridges have become a universal symbol representing everything from the joining of two sides allowing passage to simply spreading of awareness of two opposing sides. Symbolic use of bridges can be seen in books, movies, music, paintings, sculptures and in everyday conversations. I have always loved bridges. At the core of much of the symbolism, I see a means of “motion” or movement from one point to another with neither direction necessarily meaning forwards or backwards. A bridge by itself merely implies possibility.
As a person who feels perpetually stuck in limbo and constantly struggling with gaps in my identity, the concept is very appealing. I need bridges to close the distance between my parents and myself, between my birth country and the one where I grew into adulthood and to merge the two lives I feel I sometimes lead. It’s always difficult to describe that double life where in one, I am the daughter my parents raised while in another, I’m still the lost child trying to find her way home.
There was a time when thinking of myself as a cultural bridge seemed appealing. It gave me a sense of purpose and added meaning to all the sad events that led to my becoming one of the thousands of transracial adoptees in the US. Embracing my role as a bridge was a nice way to keep the sorrow at bay.
Now I can’t help but laugh whenever I see people referring to transracial/national adoptees as “bridges”. It’s not that I scoff at the ideal of cultural exchange. I still believe that the world can benefit from awareness of and respect for other cultures. However, I feel that to describe me as a bridge both dehumanizes and relegates me to a passive role in society. Since finding my voice, I have become anything but passive. Besides that, I don’t fancy picturing myself lying down while people walk over my back. That’s just not good for my self-esteem.
Perhaps I nit-pick too much over terminology or take things to literally but what words imply, especially when dealing with adoption, has become more important to me. Bridges must be well built and supported with each side of the bridge being firmly attached or planted in the ground. If I am to be a bridge, then I am a poorly constructed one that cannot reach the other side. My birth country and culture is less familiar to me than an American tourist traveling to Vietnam on vacation. To describe me in that manner wrongly imposes a role upon me that I can’t play.
I think a lot of people overlook the fact that the role of bridge actually belongs to adoptive parents. They are the ones who hold all the cards so to speak and are the ones who must close the gap between a child’s birth culture and their own. To assume that I would have done this on my own as a child ignores the fact that I was just a child like any other. My parents probably thought that if I had been interested, I would have just asked but it was more complex than that. It didn’t cross my mind to ask. By the time it did occur to me to ask, I didn’t feel comfortable enough to discuss my adoption with them for reasons I’ve described in previous posts.
How they might have closed the gaps still escapes me. I think the steps that adoptive parents and adoptees have been taking recently are definitely a step in the right direction. There is still a long way to go but at least there is “movement” which is a far cry from the days of my childhood. I still have a long way to go as well but am also moving in a direction that I have chosen for myself.
Slowly, I am closing the space between the two halves of myself and merging them into one solid soul. It’s become a necessity since a boat with two people rowing in opposite directions goes no where. In the same way, I’m working to replace some of the missing pieces of my identity. A bridge that stops in the middle only leads to an edge from which to turn back or leap. Of course, one can find problems with any symbol if one digs deeply enough or takes things too literally but this one really rubs me in all the wrong ways. Surely we can come up with something better.
A bridge is something you use to get from one place to another, so I think you are right to be disturbed by it as a symbol for TRA’s, especially since the bridge does not go two ways and when and by whom it is crossed has its limits. Have you heard of a book called This Bridge Called My Back? I read parts of it a long time ago, glad to see it is still in print. Good luck with your move. I know how traumatic that can be, under the best of circumstances. I’ve missed you and will miss you some more.
I LOVE this post.
“I feel that to describe me as a bridge both dehumanizes and relegates me to a passive role in society”
That describes so perfectly how I often feel. This truly was a wonderful essay, Sume.
Sue, I’ll have to check out that book, it sounds really interesting.
I really wish my adoptive parents were bridges. Unfortunately, that bridge has been road blocked and underconstruction for years.
WOW! You need to get this published someplace like Adoptive Families! (I’m NOT saying that is my favorite magazine or anything – but lots of APs read it.)
I WANT to be a bridge – I’m TRYING to be a bridge – only my daughter’s blog in 25 years or so will say if I am succeeding. ;-P
Every AP should be required to read that. It sums up that it is our job to make their birth country more than a spot on the map. My daughters first trip back to China will be this spring, when she is 3 1/2. We plan to go every 2-3 years until she is gets sick of Mom tagging along, then I will bill willing to pay for every airline ticket she wants to use. I want her to love her 1st home as much as I hope she loves ours. Really well written!
Another poignant post. People like you help us AP’s understand the work we have to do in being “bridges”. Cam on!
Sume,
Hope all goes well with your move. I will miss you. I always look forward
to reading your essays. I love the visual images you always seem to
create in your writings.
Thank you! That is beautiful. As an AP-I’m happy to be a bridge. Today I feel quite powerless in ending the political situation that seperated my daughter from her birth family though I have hope for the future. Constructing a bridge for my kids sounds like an awesome task.
This is a sad post, and a sad blog. I think those adoptive parents who choose to emphasize the native/racial/ethnic culture of their adopted children are making a serious mistake. Such an exaggerated emphasis would seem to contribute to their identity crisis.
What, then, should a transracial adoptee think? Well, he should know that he is transracial adoptee, of course. That’s not too hard. But more important is the fact that he is the child of his adoptive parents, the object of their love, the desire of their hearts, the product of their values; he is also rooted in a specific neighborhood, community, culture, and country. Above all, he is a child of God who has been given a faith (one hopes), a family, a place, and a people – all of whom have the primary claim on his loyalty and gratitude.
Primary. Identity crisis solved.
This is a breathtaking and wonderful post. For me, a key phrase was reading, “If I am to be a bridge, then I am a poorly constructed one that cannot reach the other side.”
How true it is. How sad, and yet REALISTIC it is. I feel it right there with you.
Thanks everyone and sorry for being so late in responding. We’ve begun to get settled in, and my out-of-shape body has finally stopped screaming.
Sue, thanks so much for mentioning the book. That’s definitely going on my reading list! I’ve missed you, too and will take time to catch up on your blog. Yay, you opened comments! I hope JL is all better now and neither of you are none the worse for wear.
Thanks Patricia, actually someone did contact me asking permission to reprint one of my blog posts in a magazine in Australia. Hmmm…can I can call myself an internationally published author? I really can’t wait to hear from the next generation of adoptees. It would be great if your daughter opens her own blog someday.
It’s always encouraging to hear about and see what adoptive parents are doing to keep those doorways “back home” open.
Jeff, what I find even more sad is you thinking denial will solve the problem. My parents did all those things and that’s one of the reasons I’m blogging about it today. I was prepared to write a long response, but I’m just too tired so this will have to do. All I can really do is suggest you read further on transracial adoption from the pov’s of those who have lived it. If it comforts you to think that such a simple solution works, then so be it.
“What, then, should a transracial adoptee think? Well, he should know that he is transracial adoptee, of course.”
A transracial adoptee will think what he/she will think. Knowing they are a transracial adoptee is a given. We have no choice. What you are ignoring are not only the complexities of adoption itself but also issues of race and heritage. Perhaps you have the luxury of denial but not all of us do. Anyway, who are you to tell TRA’s what to think?
“But more important is the fact that he is the child of his adoptive parents, the object of their love, the desire of their hearts, the product of their values; he is also rooted in a specific neighborhood, community, culture, and country.”
So are you saying that the gain of one replaces the loss of another? Again, what does that say to the children about themselves? Are you suggesting that what we’ve lost has no value once it’s “replaced”? For some of us, our roots go beyond the signatures on our adoption papers.
“Above all, he is a child of God who has been given a faith (one hopes), a family, a place, and a people – all of whom have the primary claim on his loyalty and gratitude.”
Again, one cannot replace another. That is a pipe dream of AP’s who would rather not deal with the responsibility that comes with bringing a TRA into their homes. As far as claim on loyalty and gratitude goes, that kind of thinking is a bit arrogant, presumptive and encourages denial. Such statements are often used as a gag forcing adoptees to carry a burden they didn’t deserve.
As I said, if you’re really interested, read further on the subject. There’s a wealth of information out there written by both adoptees and adoptive parents.
Dear Sume,
Well, OK, I suppose I deserved that. I grant that being a TRA is more complex than I might understand. One’s racial/ethnic roots are not unimportant. Having seriously considered trans-racial adoption in the past I am pretty familiar with the literature.
What I object to is the idea that TRAs have lost something they shouldn’t be asked to live without – and that (reading between the lines) their APs are somehow to blame for it. We all go through life with varying degrees of loss and incompleteness, but obsessing over this just isn’t healthy.
You have lost the culture of your birth parents, but you have inherited, by adoption, another culture that has contributed much more to your identity. You can’t be truly bi-cultural: no one can. Everyone has a cultural “major”. Some people, like you, are fortunate enough to have both a “major” and a “minor”.
My Vietnamese-born wife (she’s your age) came to this country at age 13, and of course she will never lose the influence of her birth and early formation in Vietnam. But she is functionally and culturally an American first, not because she necessarily chose to be, but because that is the world she lives in. And, by and large, that is the culture she will be passing on to our American children, albeit flavored with fish sauce.
While I grant that TRAs are different and perhaps suffer a peculiar kind of anxiety, I doubt they are so different from the rest of us who suffer our own peculiar anxieties which also threaten to cripple with self-obsession. We’re in this mixed-up world together. And we’re here for a reason. Is that reason the pursuit of a lost identity? It could be, but the only kind of identity worth having is found by loving – loving God, and loving those He has placed in our lives. For whatever reason He has placed certain people and places in the lives of TRAs. In my arrogance and presumption I recommend that TRAs accept this as the cornerstone of their identity. Just like everyone else.
Jeff,
Clearly, you are not familiar with much of the most important literature of all — namely the growing body of literature authored by my fellow TRAs — or with any of the research and narratives that support Sume’s points and validate the natural feelings of cultural loss, isolation and disconnect that many of us TRAs feel, often regardless of how much or how little care our adoptive parents took to make us feel wholly loved, accepted and even connected to our birth cultures. I have to wonder why you are making it your business to devalue and discount Sume’s first-person experiences as “unhealthy”?
Many of us, as TRAs, choose to write and blog about our identity formation in order to validate and encourage one another, and perhaps in the process help to open up new possibilities to others as they seek to understand our experiences. Our writings often represent pieces of our lives, but not the total sum of our existence. How much or how little we choose to write in our own spaces about our adoption experiences is for us to decide — and for anyone else to diagnose our writing as “unhealthy” or “obsessive” is incredibly presumptuous. What is it that qualifies you to declare Sume’s writings “unhealthy”? And what is it about your experience that qualifies you to recommend to us TRAs that we accept your religious beliefs as our own? I think perhaps you’ve read between the lines as you choose to judge them — not as Sume and other TRAs are presenting them.
I think it is indeed arrogant and presumptuous to come onto Sume’s blog and proceed to discount and invalidate her writing as “self-obsession” and to tell her (an effectively, those of us TRAs who share many of Sume’s feelings) that “obsessing over this just isn’t healthy.” Not to mention to presume that we are all worshippers of your “loving God.”
As Sume has already said, invalidating our experiences as TRAs and instead ascribing our transcultural displacements to “God’s will” is a commonly employed way of absolving the adoptive parents and the adoption facilitators of any responsibility to acknowledging and honoring our very real, very far-reaching losses. On her own blog, our friend and fellow TRA Jae Ran discusses this kind of “ambiguous loss,” which is a theme and universal connecting point that I’ve found among the shared experiences, written memoirs and oral narratives of many of my fellow adoptees and TRAs, across cultures, races and national boundaries.
The loss and displacement is quite real, and those of us who have lived this loss understand that it’s neither “healthy” nor realistic to simply squelch it and silence the dialogue. It’s certainly an insult to many of us who read and frequent Sume’s blog in support of her journey, as well as our birth and adoptive families, to write off our losses and grief as secondary to what you think should be the primary cultural aspect of our identities.
“As Sume has already said, invalidating our experiences as TRAs and instead ascribing our transcultural displacements to ‘God’s will’ is a commonly employed way of absolving the adoptive parents and the adoption facilitators of any responsibility to acknowledging and honoring our very real, very far-reaching losses.”
Ah, I had forgotten how many there are who think of God as a psychological construct invented to manipulate people. That’s a conversation stopper.
I don’t disagree that APs should acknowledge the “very real” losses of their TRA children. Some APs are probably better at that than others. Either way, they deserve gratitute rather than resentment.
At what point should TRAs begin taking some responsibility for their own happiness?
“The loss and displacement is quite real, and those of us who have lived this loss understand that it’s neither ‘healthy’ nor realistic to simply squelch it and silence the dialogue. It’s certainly an insult to many of us who read and frequent Sume’s blog in support of her journey, as well as our birth and adoptive families, to write off our losses and grief as secondary to what you think should be the primary cultural aspect of our identities.”
No dialogue is possible when lost in the subjective and existential. Are you not guilty of the same thing you accuse me of doing? You have just written off “what I think” instead of engaging the ideas for what they are.
Ji-in, thank you for taking the time to write such a wonderful response.
Jeff, firstly this is a personal blog and not a forum or discussion group. While I understand that blogs are public and one should expect a certain amount of feedback, you are doing what amounts to trolling. You have shared your opinion and Ji-in has given you an eloquent, well thought-out response. If it’s a debate you’re looking for, there are plenty of forums and email groups that provide a place for you to do that. I’m sure many would welcome you there.
As for my “unhealthy” “self-obsession” and blaming my parents, my blog is only a small glimpse into my past and present life. As Ji-in points out, we share what we chose for our own reasons. To come to such a conclusions based on a blog much less a few posts is a bit silly.
If your wife is happy and satisfied with her life then good for her. That doesn’t necessarily mean that every Vietnamese American whether adopted or not should live as she does. We are all different.
“Ah, I had forgotten how many there are who think of God as a psychological construct invented to manipulate people. That’s a conversation stopper.”
Ji-in simply pointed out that “God’s will” has often been used to dismiss our loss which actually means something to us.
“Either way, they deserve gratitute rather than resentment.”
Again, you are over-simplifying. Adoptee circumstances and experiences are so diverse that blanket statements like that can’t possibly apply to every one. You are assuming that adoption is a wholly benign act and that all adoptive parents are good ones.
“At what point should TRAs begin taking some responsibility for their own happiness?”
That is exactly what many of us are doing by writing about our experiences and coming to terms with event in our lives. Again, you shouldn’t come to conclusions based on a few blogs. Life is multifaceted. Blogs and books can only offer a small glimpse into a person’s life.
“No dialogue is possible when lost in the subjective and existential.”
Dialogue doesn’t seem to be what you’re offering as much as a lot of presumptions and conclusions based on your own defensiveness and self-righteous beliefs.
Nicely stated, Sume.
“No dialogue is possible when lost in the subjective and existential. Are you not guilty of the same thing you accuse me of doing? You have just written off “what I think” instead of engaging the ideas for what they are.”
There’s a difference, I think, between offering ideas worth engaging, and telling a person that she is making the wrong personal choices. There should be no question that Sume’s experiences, feelings and identity as a transracial adoptee are personal truths that don’t deserve to be “objected to” and held up for comparison against someone else’s religious beliefs and judged less important than her adoptive parents’ love, values, desires and/or culture.
Our personal blogs are not about making other people feel comfortable, or about obliging others with the “grateful adoptee” profile that fits in conveniently with the adoption rescue mentality. Saying that adoptive parents “deserve gratitute rather than resentment” misses the point of our blogs entirely. I’m not sure what else to say about Jeff’s comments that have not already been said here, and by our fellow TRAs and our allies in many, many other places.
At any rate, at least it encourages me to know that there are a great many other people who do find enormous value in the dialogue and thoughtful discussion that you and our other TRA friends and allies inspire, Sume. It’s too bad that it’s lost on some. What can you do?
Sume, this post is wonderful and I’m sorry that SOME people are being completely condescending and presumptuous.
You are totally right to point out that your blog is just that–its YOUR BLOG, not a public discussion forum for people to try to indoctrinate you with their own beliefs and convictions.
This is my message for you, Jeff:
Save your preaching for the public AP forums where you can get the affirmation you are seeking about how TRAs SHOULD feel.
The fact of the matter is that a TRA can feel however he or she WANTS to feel about their adoption, their dual cultural identity formation, their adoptive parents, their birth parents–whatever…Because ITS THEIR OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE!! How can we TRAs all be WRONG about our personal feelings and emotions?! That is extremely elitist, condescending, and insulting.
But seriously, go find those public AP forums if you’re looking to “enlighten” people on the adoption topic because you’re not doing anything here but offending people and making yourself look foolish.
‘Nuff said. Peace out.
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