Talk about the clueless teaching the clueless. It seems that with the help of another AP, this very intelligent and insightful woman came up the proper way people should talk about adoption. When I accidentally came across this one, I thought it was another Onion article similar to the one many of us were talking about a while back. The headline reads: Expert Commentary…Adoption Etiquette. Umm…okay.
It goes without saying that this is going to be AP-centered. It becomes immediately obvious just from reading the first rule. It’s not so much the rule itself that grabbed my attention but the explanation that follows. Yes, let’s play with the lingo a little bit, shall we? Don’t ask “Is he adopted?” or say “He is adopted.” This must be stated in PAST tense. What was I saying about time tables?
Adoption doesn’t affect “all the faucets of one’s life” and isn’t disabling? Of course it’s not a handicap but who are you to define what is and isn’t disabling? Oh you mean, you can’t see it, right? We’re all okay as long as we don’t go catatonic and start drooling or go psycho. As far as how much adoption affects one’s life, who exactly are you speaking for? Of course, it doesn’t affect ALL the faucets. It doesn’t have any influence on going to the bathroom unless of course there’s some health condition passed on by birth parents that no one bothered to talk about.
The one that kills me is where she says, “Don’t ask questions about the birthparents in front of the child unless you are certain that the adoptive parents are open to that. The birthparents role should always be in the past.” Really? Ahh, I get it now. Shove it all in the past because it’s not important right? AP’s must take center stage and birth families relegated to that distant past because they are no longer part of the picture.
This just smells too much like AP’s sugarcoating adoption in an effort to make themselves feel comfortable. In the meantime, adoptees are left to carry the burden because some adoptive parents can’t handle the truth. Ugh, I really wanted to tear this one to shreds but am too tired and too preoccupied today. I’m beginning to wonder if adoption doesn’t affect adoptees nearly as negatively as how some AP’s deal or refuse to deal with adoption from an adoptees perspective.
Anyway, she ends by saying, ” The words that we choose say a lot about what we think and value.” Yeah, I guess it does, doesn’t it?
I think she’s off base here and there but I do appreciate the effort. I think she’s trying to educate, but I think her head is up her butt.
I get these questions all the time and I’m still paralyzed by them. I really don’t know what to tell people. I really wish they’d mind their beeswax. I would never ever appreciate someone just deciding to comment to my child about her adoption or asking about my child’s birthparents. That’s up to my daughter some day if she decides to talk about it to people.
OMG the article is terrible, not to mention very badly written. She got really bunged up by trying to rationalize the reasons people should not have bad manners. The questions she was trying to rephrase for people are just plain offensive. It should just be common sense. But common sense is seriously lacking regarding all aspects adoption and won’t be fixed with nice phrasing.
My thoughts about the “are your kids adopted” question is to say, “Yes.” and leave it at that.
Why? Because if you decide to adopt a kid who is from a different race/culture/ethnicity as you, then you are opening up yourself and your child for these kinds of questions.
Of course, I agree wholeheartedly that they are rude, invasive and annoying. And none of their damn business.
But to adopt a child who is from another race/culture/ethnicity and then be pissed that people are going to ask, well. I think you’ve got to accept that it’s probably going to happen. If you don’t think you can deal with the questions, then maybe adopting a child that doesn’t look like you should be reconsidered.
How about “PLEASE don’t tell adopted children how lucky or blessed they are, as adoption involves both loss and gain, and besides its patronising, and culturally ignorant to boot”. If people are to learn anything about adoption it should start with this.
And “Please respect my child’s right to chose who they share their personal information with”.
Yes, I completely agree about the people and their rude questions. I’ve heard the complaints from AP’s about people asking stupid questions or making statements out of ignorance.
I also agree that they should speak out about this and spread awareness. I just wish they’d do it with adoptees in mind as well. This isn’t just about them and their comfort level. Besides that, as Jae Ran points out, adopting transracially (culturally, nationally) is a choice that AP’s make and it comes with consequences for them and their children.
Bron, can you believe the examples you’ve just written still needs to be said?
One of my biggest picks about this is that there was no adoptee input whatsoever yet she’s the expert, right?
Nodding in agreement with Jae Ran.
More nodding.
I loathe it when these kind of crap articles come out. We need to write our own handbook!
You’re right Sume. Too much ‘expert advice’ is written exclusively from an AP perspective. Many APs respond to comments on their children being lucky, by saying “No, I’m the lucky one”. Which – though true – is only part of the answer, and leaves unsaid the many and continuing losses their child has.
In Australia APs have to go through extensive training before they can adopt, and this includes sessions presneted by TRAs and APs and ‘experts’ – not perfect, but better than what seems to happen in the US.
Expert Advice = Kiss my ass. I thought it might be a joke, but the whole concept of adoption friendly language is weird to me anyway.
Wow, what a horrible article. A birthparents role is never in the past. They don’t stop being the first family just because the child is adopted. I’l admit that the questions being posed were rude, but to say a birth family should be spoken of sympathetically, to me, sounds like they are worthy of pity. And that the a-parents “saved” them.
Harlowmonkey said: My thoughts about the “are your kids adopted” question is to say, “Yes.” and leave it at that.
Yes! And you should be having dialogues with your children to prepare them for these types of questions because they are always going to come. My daughter (adopted from foster care) will usually answer, “Yes, I’m adopted. Are you?” because she tends to be a little bit of a smart butt.
Thank you for sharing that horrible article.
It is puzzling to me that adoptive parents get so bent out of shape when people make insensitive and rude comments. Have they not educated themselves enough to know that it will happen? Why don’t they just have reasonable responses ready ahead of time? What is wrong with telling the truth when asked adoption questions?
Positive Adoption Language IMHO was created by adoptive parents offended by adoption language that existed for years. In my eyes, most of the PAL is very offensive to birth parents, and many adoptees. “Reunion” in PAL is “making contact” – reunion sounds too much like creating a relationship,huh? Not even allowing the term “reunion” is the ultimate to me.
I echo Jae Ran’s & Jan’s point, that dealing with those comments should be another GIVEN going into adoption in the first place. If APs are not willing to wander into that territory, then they have no business adopting.
Also, Jan brings up an excellent example of the coercive nature of made-up positive adoption language: that “reunion” is considered a dirty word by the adoption facilitators. My adoption agencies insisted on referring to my b-family reunion as our “meeting.” So impersonal – like a conference call. The idea of “reuniting” is threatening to them because it involves the idea that the adoptee is getting back together with his/her family, rather than — as this awful article suggests — leaving the birth parents’ role in the past.
((Sume)) I went to the article and wrote a nice little email to her. Well, maybe it wasn’t “nice”, but definitely I am getting more polite in my old age.
Bron, that’s one reason why this PAL concept just rubs me the wrong way. It promotes leaving things unsaid and wraps it all in happy denial. BAD. I’m curious about the adoptee experience in places like Australia, UK and France. Is there a significant difference and why? What are the results? Must put aside time to look into it more.
P2H, lol I thought it was, too. Imagine my surprise at finding it was real.
Baggage, I wish I’d thought to answer the way your daughter does when I was child.
Jan, the more I think about the “birth parents in the past” rule (the whole article, actually), the more furious I become. Given my current situation, reading that makes fills me with rage.
Ji-in, that’s just pure BS and another example of how the adoptee’s best interest is NOT what they have in mind . The manipulation continues.
Heather, it’s so good to see more people becoming active. *cough Something, I should be doing. Laughing at your comment about getting more polite in your old age. I seem to be going in the opposite direction. Big hugs to you and thank you.
I love your blog.
The first thing I should say is that I’m an Asian adoptee. So naturally your blog caught my eye and I became intrigued by your journey of self-discovery.
I am from Taiwan, although if you were to ask me anything about it, I probably couldn’t tell you squat. I could look it up on Wikipedia or Google and get any answers I wanted… but what would be the point in that? I would much rather experience that in when I am old enough to travel across half the globe on my own. Words cannot possibly convey a culturistic image that can only be expressed by the human senses. It’s just not the same.
These days I often find myself thinking about the “what-ifs” and I know I shouldn’t, because what’s done has been done but it is like a constant battle of turmoil. I should be thankful for the life I have now, that I’m happy and not on the edge of poverty in some rusty back street of China or Taiwan, and I’ve got good parents, who love me and told me the truth ever since I was old enough to understand.
And I am.
But at the same time, even while understanding why my birthmother could not keep me, I’ve lost. I can never go back into the past and reclaim a sense of culturistic identity as truly being Chinese, however much I would want to do that. (When I was born, they already had a son. You probably know about the one-child policy in China and many other regions) When I first heard that I had a younger sister (about 17 years later), my first feeling was shock. Then it turned to jealousy and anger. I kept thinking, “Why wasn’t I good enough? You obviously weren’t hindered by the one-child policy, and you already had a son! Why couldn’t you keep me?”
Then I just felt sad, because I will probably never really be close to my biological sister like I want to be. She doesn’t really know me, and I don’t really know her. I have no memories to share with her. We don’t even speak the same language.
And even though my adoptive mom has explained to me the personal reasons why they could not have kept me even if they wanted to, I still feel sad. I want to be with other people who look like me. I want to have a Chinese friend, someone who can understand me and speak my language and show me what it’s like to be Chinese. But most of all, I want to feel connected with my siblings.
And after all these years, I don’t even know if that will be possible…
Thanks Iggy,
I think your story further exemplifies the other side of the paradox and shows that how no matter how much we gain, something is lost. Mourning and wanting to regain some of what was lost to us isn’t a sign of ingratitude. It doesn’t mean we had bad parents or that we don’t love our adoptive parents.
It’s our right and there’s nothing to feel guilty about. It took me a long time to learn that it’s even okay to feel angry about and question choices that were made without my consent. Do I not have the right to pursue a “truth” other than the one I’ve been given? I’ve had to live with the consequences of those decisions as well.
All that being said, I still feel guilt and still feel conflicted when it comes to pursuit of my past. It’s like each step forward, or backward rather, is painful like walking on glass.
As far as birth family goes, I have yet to take that step myself and am currently gathering strength for that endeavor. My story has gotten a little convoluted as you can tell from my blog posts. From what I’ve learned from others, it is possible to regain some of the loss, but never ALL it.
It took me over 30 years to find friends who were Vietnamese despite all my attempts. What stopped me was a combination of isolation, rejection, my own shyness and for a long time, I just gave up. Sadly, even now, the few friends I do have are online. Pathetic, isn’t’ it?
I would encourage you to pursue your heritage as much as possible. That’s part of who you are. I’m not sure where you are so it’s hard to make suggestions. If you’re interested, contact me offline. I’ll see what I can come up with or at least get you in touch with people who can help you.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Sending best wishes and support your way.