When Michele Zembow, 45 and single, adopted a 15- month-old girl, Kaydi, from China five years ago, the two fell in love instantly.
"I had an anxious type of depression," said Zembow, a psychologist in Maplewood, New Jersey. "I felt like I had this romanticized, idealized version of what it would be like that was not at all true."
Many adoptive parents feel delirious with happiness when bringing home their child. Yet for some, this joy can be short-lived and dissolve into what experts call post-adoption depression. For some, it is simply a low mood, for others a full-fledged plunge into despair. Post-adoption depression is recognized among adoption professionals, but there is no research on the syndrome. It is not adequately addressed by many adoption agencies, say experts, and is not widely understood by the public, including those who embark on adoption.
On one hand this leaves me screamng, "Again, it's about you! Welcome to reality." And she's a psychologist. Hmmm… On the other hand, it just goes to show you what a poor job of preparation adoption agencies, society and some aparents themselves do when it comes to the realities of adoption.
I could rant but I'll save it for another day. Really though, who ends up the real loser here if aparents fail to get it together? So much for better off.
I’m not sure biological parents get any better preparation, really. Look at the high incidence of post-partum depression: not all of it is from hormones churning around and stuff. Fact is, this society does damn-all to prepare parents for parenthood.
No argument there, Tiel, but at least you get some warning from doctors and other parents, not to mention the tons of information out there that discuss post-partum depression. This doesn't seem to have been officially recognized or addressed at all.
I think biological parents do get more education, but I am not sure
how successful it is. For example, hospitals in my state are required to
educate parents about shaken baby syndrome. They also can
provide classes on siblings and jealousy. It wouldn’t surprise
me if some hospitals or doctors also include post partum depression.
In my opinion, more time is spent on line at the bank verifying
assets than on educating adoptive parents.
I also don’t think the age of the adoptive mother is taken into account.
I think it is possible that menapausal hormone changes might
be a factor in post adoption depression, especially with so many
women adopting in their forties.
I can only speak for our agency, but post adoption depression wasn’t mentioned at all. As I think back over the experience, there was a lot that wasn’t mentioned. I would certainly want to learn more about this type of depression, since I have always been prone to depression for my entire life. I feel fortunate that this hasn’t happened to me.
wow, i didnt noe such a condition existed. i guess it’s something that most people forget about until they’re placed in that situation and everything falls through but one would think that the adoption agencies would have enough experience to address this issue! i don’t know much about how they work, but maybe a better post-adoption follow-up and monitoring might be in order?
thanks for highlighting the issue… leaves lots to ponder about =)
In Minnesota, the legislature just passed a law requiring hospitals to inform new mothers and anyone else she leaves the hospital with (partner, parent, friend) of post-partum depression. This happened (the law) after a prominent woman killed her baby and herself after suffering from ppd.
I am interning for the state’s health and human services department, in the training unit. The foster parent and adoptive parent trainings do cover SIDS and Shaken baby, but not post-adoption depression.
I have noticed that no matter what you tell a-parents, if it sounds negative people get mad. anything that isn’t hearts and sunshine is problematic. people at agencies don’t want to discourage adoptions – makes sense. and even if you *tell the truth* and talk about the scary things that *can* happen, a-parents don’t want to hear it. They come back later and say, *you never told me about this, this and this.” Most a-parents believe that it won’t happen to them.
while I think educating is great and necessary, i hesitate at how much monitoring we do. i think the government is in our business too much as it is. it’s a tricky thing to balance.
Kathy, you bring up an interesting point regarding age and menopause. It’s hard to say though since so little study has been done. I take most studies with a grain of salt anyway, but it would be interesting to see if and how much age and menopause contributed to depression after adoption.
Margaret, it doesn’t surprise me at all that so much of the negatives aren’t mentioned. As Jae Ran said, agencies don’t want to discourage people from adopting.
Aemii, I didn’t either until I read the article. I think they do know about it but completely ignore it in favor of ladybugs and oh gawd that damned invisible red thread. *puke
Jae Ran, that crossed my mind, too. A great number of aparents can’t or won’t think past “I want a baby”. They buy into the shmooze because they get exactly what they want and can feel good about it. As far as adoption agencies go, it’s the demand side who should push for change. Adoptees can scream all they want but does it really make much difference? It’s where the money exchanges hands that makes a difference. It all makes me wonder that if aparents really cared about these things why aren’t they pushing more strongly for change in how agencies operate?
Sue, you paint a scary picture. They just kind of hand you a child, pat you on the head and send you on your way.
You know all this kind of reminds me of how PMS and PPD were dismissed initially as just “women things” and not taken seriously. I wonder if that also doesn’t have something to do with PAD being ignored for so long.
FYI There are aparents that want things to change, and who don’t think that some of the other people they meet should be aparents either. There isn’t much we can do to stop them so we do try to educate them. Some will learn.
There was one I encountered recently whose blog was so offensive I trolled her off the internet. If only all the folks adopting solely because of their religious beliefs could be banned, that would be a start at improving the situation for adoptees I think.
BTW are you aware of Ethica? http://www.ethicanet.org/
((Eid))
No one says to a mom that she is going to suffer severe depression from the loss of her child. We are told we would be able to move on. There is very little support out there, none in physical form that deals with our losses, and not many, I think, for adoptees. I think it’s getting a little better now. (I’m going to start one for moms and adoptees).
As for who suffers when adoptive parents realize that what they wanted was their own kid, and now they are ‘stuck’ with someone else’s, well, the fact that sooo many adoptees die at the hands of their adoptive parents says it all.
It’s those rose colored glasses isn’t it? Too often they paint a pretty picture or they just don’t say anything at all. Unfortunately I fear too many people would just see what they wanted to see even if the truth of the matter were presented to them. sigh….
I am sooooo enjoying looking through your photos and reading the poetry! You are truly talented and I’m so glad you are sharing all of this with the world! Thank You!!!
isabel, thanks for sharing that web site. it looks very very interesting. and thanks for advocating on behalf of your child, and taking to task those a-parents who don’t get it.
i think basically the problem fundamentally begins with the way our society mythologizes and sanctifies the idea of “motherhood.” If changes are going to begin anywhere, they begin with open and honest discussions about what “motherhood” means – as a feminist I think women need to really listen to each other about our experiences – with grief and loss and not measuring up to society’s expectations. because none of us do.
those who have borne children, whether they are currently parenting them or not and for whatever reasons that is, are changed from the moment they give birth. there is loss involved in having children. loss of the identity of who you were before having the child, loss of parenting the child, you name it. the list could go on.
those who can’t physically give birth lose the experience of being able to do so. and all the children they adopt, whether intended or not, end up being option number 2. and adopted children grieve too, as many others have pointed out.
and whether infertility is the reason for adopting or not, once a person takes on the mantle of “parenthood” there are all these expectations of what that means. we aren’t supposed to be angry at our children, we’re not supposed to take things they say personally, we are supposed to have endless streams of patience and spend every waking hour subjugating our own needs for those of our children because hey, we’re mothers now! we’re not supposed to grieve for the loss of our identities as women *apart* from our children. these kids eventually become detatched from our hips but the title of “motherhood” lasts permanently. and so why is it so hard to believe we grieve when, for whatever reason, that title doesn’t match reality?
wow, i’m sorry i’m just ranting now. i just find it so hard to find people who truly want to engage in discussions of motherhood. it’s a powerful message and loaded with expectations of “good” vs. “bad” mothers. I work with this all the time in my field of work, where women are being defined by what society thinks is the “right” way to parent.
Actually, the adoption community is becoming more aware of this condition. It is a new realization. I think a lot of it is the let down coupled with the very real stress of being a new parent. It is NOT that they don’t want the child or that the child is second best. It is that they have been working so hard for this to happen and it finally does and then there is the let down of the build up (kinda like after you have been planning a wedding for so long and then it is all over). Then the new parents are having to deal with caring for a newborn or a very frightened older child. Of course there would be stress. I personally think that these factors play a large role in post-partum depression. I think it is so important for adoptive parents to know about the possibility and to not be shamed if they do feel that way. Parenting is a huge adjustment. They need support like any new parent does. I am glad you posted about this, it helps to get the word out.
isabel, thanks for posting the link to Ethica. It does look very interesting and very different than what I’m use to seeing. I know there are some great aparents out there and in no way lump all aparents together though it may seem like it when I neglect to put the word “some”.
Heather, there are just so many issues that need to be addressed and I really think that a lot of it is going to have to start on the grass roots level. I thought things were getting better for adoptees, at least better than when I was a child. I think in some ways things have improved but in others things are sorely lacking.
Mia, thanks and thank you too for sharing your story. I guess it has to start with awareness. True, people will see what they want to see but change usually starts there.
Jae Ran, I’m glad you decided to make a post. You bring up some good points. As a mom of four, I felt that pressure and have run into that expectation wall over and over again. I’ve fallen into that trap many times on both sides being both the judged and the judgemental. It was through honest discussions of motherhood with some very close friends that helped to snap me out of it though every now and then the brainwashing does still show.
Jenna, I can’t speak for Jae Ran, but with infertile couples I think adoptees are choice 2. Most only think about adoption after they’ve tried unsuccessfully to have biological children. Personally, I don’t see what’s wrong with admitting that if it’s true because it’s human.
Women who find they can’t have children often do grieve which is understandable. That grief has a right to be acknowledged and dealt with, too. Sometimes women are still grieving even after they adopt a child and it may add to their chances of PAD. I guess what I’m saying is that not being able to have a child can be devastating to a woman and she should be allowed to grieve and deal with it fully before adopting.
I am sorry, I don’t think I adequately expressed myself. I have been reading on this very subject so I was really glad to see your post. I was really trying to express that there are many factors that lead to post-adoption depression. There is definitely grief felt by some aparents who were not able to have a biological child. I felt grief when my last child was born because I had lost some babies to miscarriages. You are right, it is natural. I just wanted to point out that there are a lot of factors that contribute to post-adoption depression. I am sorry if I offended you, that truly was not my intent. Also, at least 25% of the families that I work with who are pursuing adoption do not have any infertility issues, they simply feel that adoption is the right path to build their family. Of course, that is just my experience with aparents. By the way, I am an adoptee. Not really relevant, just wanted to put that out there. I truly hope that I did not offend you. I learn so much from your insightful writing.
No offense taken, Jenna. Just like with post PPD, I’m sure there are many factors that contribute to PAD. I just wanted to clarify which I, myself don’t always do well.
I’m adopting after infertility but I don’t see it as a second choice at all. It was never more important to me to give birth and have a genetic link to my child than to have a child in my life and be a mother. I hope my child will never think s/he is second best in anyway.
Harlowmonkey – your comment has really given me a lot to think about – thanks.
Sume – I really appreciate your blog, and your voice, thanks for sharing yourself.