I had a strange conversation with a friend of mine yesterday. I'd told her about all the cool adoptee blogs out there and that I'd decided to start one of my own. She asked me what I wrote about and I told her it was just a space for me to write down some of my experiences and feelings as an adoptee. Her and I had never talked about my adoption much. She had no idea about all the pent up emotions and baggage.
She asked me if this was common to which I replied, " Yeah, see? I'm not a lunatic." The subject turned to "angry adoptees" and my black humor set in. I told her maybe I should kick it up a notch lest people begin to see a limited picture of "happy Vietnamese and Chinese adoptees" as opposed to "angry Korean adoptees". Would it become like some kind of breeding thing where Korean adoptees were seen as pit-bulls and Vietnamese and Chinese adoptees were seen as lapdogs? Would adoptees be graded on their "disposition" as well as availability, ease of acquisition and cost?
I began to wonder if some aparents weren't having discussions within the safe confines of their yahoo groups of what "kind" of adoptee is the "best". I know it sounds extreme and paranoid, but after reading some of that China Doll blog, I don't take much for granted. Pretty much all that can be said has been said about that monstrosity and my two-cents wouldn't sound much different. Obviously, some aparents have no idea how hurtful their words can be or how badly they can reflect on them as people.
The China doll article (thanks DianaH from TTR comments) made me sick for all the obvious reasons, but knowing how newspapers edit and spin, I didn't let it reflect too much on the aparents. Out of curiosity I went to read the blog and didn't think it was all that bad until I got to this, "I hate to admit but at the height of my frustration, feverish myself, and with a sick baby I had to bite my tongue not to tell them all where to go. I am an experienced mom with 3 healthy kids and am really in no mood to take wives tale advice from a country that seems to think it is OK to throw away their little girls."
Is that what she's going to tell little "Anna", that she was a throw-away? Or will she have the privilege of reading it on her blog when she's older? I'm not going to talk about how condescending and arrogant that sounds, not to mention what it would say to "Anna" about the people from which she came. Broadbrushing an entire people is a no-no and it might shock her to someday realize, "Anna" just might begin to see herself as Chinese. *gasp I bet she'll be really grateful to know how much they suffered to save their poor, abandoned, China doll baby from her retched, backwards people.
*Okay, I take it back. A lot about the blog bothers me. I guess you'll just have to see for yourselves.
I used to subscribe (I got kicked out) to a blog of AdoptSahp ‘s on yahoo groups, and yeah, it’s pretty creepy, disgusting, frightening and just wrong, all the things they say about it. Most people in AdoptSahp adopt from other countries, but there are other yahoo groups which are specific based on what countries they are adopting from. Sick sick sick.
Hi, couldn’t resist delurking–found your site via others. As someone who is ethnically part Chinese, I was fuming while reading that blog. At first I thought it wasn’t as bad as some of the others out there, until I hit the parts that describe China as “backwards” and the soup being served at a meal as “dishwater” (I would kill for some authentic Hunan food!), and the part about little girls as “throw aways,” etc etc. I lived in China for a couple of years and frequently return to conduct field work (I’m a sociology PhD candidate), and when I lived there in my pre-grad school days, I actually got involved with an orphanage. It bugs me to no end how people misconstrue adoption as a clear-cut “black & white” issue when it’s really very “gray.” The people in the orphanage where I volunteered worked very hard to take care of those kids, and as “backward” as their methods may seem, I think they did a pretty damn good job. One of the “aunties” (as I called them) who worked there told me that she wished that she could adopt many of these children herself…she truly loved them, and she said it broke her heart to witness so many of these kids being shipped off to other countries, how traumatic it was for the children to be taken away by foreign-looking faces. Unfortunately, domestic adoption in China is not very common, both due to attitudes and to policy, not to mention that an int’l adoption fetches a higher price. It’s sad that these kids have become commodities. Not to mention the policies and attitudes that lead this kids to be “abandoned” in the first place…the auntie at the orphanage told me one heartbreaking story of an infant girl who was dropped off by the father, who apparently already had one daughter and was holding out for a son. The mother came to claim her little girl and there was a big drama as the father fought with her at the orphanage and forced the tearful mother to give up their little daughter. *sigh*… And it breaks my heart that potential a-parents are worried that the “supply” of Chinese babies may run out, as though they are waiting with baited breath for more kids to be abandoned so they can fulfill their selfish desires of being a parent.
~Zoe
Heather, and some of them wonder why they’re sometimes viewed with such suspicion and sometimes even disgust.
Zoe, I'm glad you delurked! Did you see the part where she referred to the newly aqcuired little darlings as "the sweetest spicy Hunan girls around"? or something like that. Call me over-sensitive but that just rubbed me in all the wrong ways. The more I read, the more I was tempted to scream profanities. Another thing that got me was the fact that she had 3 children already but seemed to so desparately want another (I had a dream, save baby syndrome) but still complaining that the supply of babies was insufficient. Not only does she sound selfish but greedy as well.
Now see that's what kills me. Do some of them not understand the goddang paradox? Children must lose something in order for them to be available for adoption and they have NO choice in the matter at all. Then there's these people out there waiting to snatch them up all the while claiming they want to save them. Do they not understand what an oxymoron that is? It's like saying, "I hope something bad happens to you so I can be a wonderful mother to you." Just stop!
And I'm not saying China doesn't have its problems because no country is perfect. What kills me is that this woman is complaining and looking down her nose at "the situation" in China but it's those same conditions that allowed her to acquire her "little bug". It's all just so WRONG. I'm not even going to mention the part where she talks about how light the baby's hair is and how one of her kids mentioned that she doesn't even look Chinese. What was her reply? "Well what am I doing over here…complaint…"
I'm in agreement with you in that I see adoption as very gray. If it weren't for the great aparents that I've befriended over time, I might have come to see it as just very WRONG. *sigh
People like that bother a-parents a lot too.
Sume, I did see the part about “the sweetest spicy Hunan girls around.” I was thinking, maybe that’s the tagline the orphanages in Hunan could borrow for advertisement purposes. Anyway, yes, it’s the sense of entitlement that gets to me–I’ve been delurking on some blogs related to adopting from China, and some people were talking about the rumors that China may reinstate some sort of “quota” system, and potential aparents are worried that they won’t get the baby they deserve. I understand that the wait must really suck, and esp for those who’ve been struggling with infertility, that it might seem like yet another door is being shut, yet at the same time, sometimes I get the impression that *some* (not ALL) of these folks are almost hoping that more babies will be abandoned to meet the demand, and there are a couple people who seem to be accusing China of “hoarding” its baby girls. I know that not all aparents are like that, and that there are really wonderful ones out there, including in the case of transnational & transcultural adoptions. I’m also aware that orphanages in China (or anywhere) are not some utopia. Actually, my husband and I are contemplating adopting from China, which is why I’m trying to explore all the various viewpoints. We are fortunate to have one-year-old (bio) twins, but since I am part Chinese and my husband is also a multiracial Asian American, part of me would like to adopt from China so we can “rescue” a child from a potentially clueless adoptive family, and also my hubs and I used to live there, so we know it’s not backwards and uncivilized and I have family connections there, so it’s “home” in a way for me too. However, the more I look into it, I’m not so sure–part of me feels it’s still wrong to remove a child from her/his home country. Anyway, we have our hands full for a good while, so I’m just checking out the various debates and viewpoints, trying not to be too horrified.
Karma, I have no doubt they do.
I hear you, Zoe. I waffle on my attitudes towards adoption and definitely on transracial/national adoption. I can’t really see it as something wholly bad or beneficial. A lot about both bothers me, but I really can’t say if the problem is the concept of adoption itself or just everything else. I’m not near as well informed as I should be. I understand a couple’s desire for children and how frustrating it can be with the waits and all the procedures, the disappointment and I’m not unsympathetic. It’s when that need takes precedence over EVERYTHING else, that I begin to feel really squirmy. The children must always come first and the work isn’t over after they bring these children into their homes. They can’t just fall back into their safe, white niches of white suburbia and think it’s all going to be okay.
I’m not so sure if the country matters so much as the identity thing. It’s different but maybe similar enough to compare to when parents migrate with their birth children or with second generation kids. Even if the kids have a strong sense of identity, they might feel just as cut off from a “home” country as an adoptee. It’s difficult to say.
System and policy-wise, it just seems hopelessly screwed. Something really should be done about those adoption agencies that operate more like human traffickers than anything else. Blah, I could go on all day about this and still end up with it being nothing more than a long babble.
Delurking for a few comments:
Yes, as an AP of a China born daughter, I find Mrs Kellond’s blog and those of her ilk terribly OFFENSIVE. I want to scream at these people to just STOP IT NOW! (actually, I want to scream long strings profaniy at them)
It pains me to my core that someone can be so disrespectful of a culture and a people and a place. And her own daughter for crying out loud! It pains me that someone can say or write something like:
“Your new child will look like you – either immediately or eventually. I
know this seems weird but I kid you not. I am being 100% honest.
Maybe its like one of those pet/pet owner things? But every new sister
and every older sister on the trip completely matched with their family.
It didn’t even cross my mind that this one 12 year old older sister was
adopted, even though her mom and dad were both blond.”
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT??? I’ve seen her photos, I’ve seen her daughter’s photo. There is NO resemblance!! NONE! (GAWD how stupid can a person be??)
EVERYTHING in that blog turns my stomach. These blogs are hurtful to MY daughter and her daughter and ALL of our children. And they are hurtful to many, many fine wonderful ADULT adoptees who have every right to rail against such idiocy.
Myself, well, I’ve thought about starting my own blog…”Why are White Adoptive Parents such Idiots?”… or just starting my own harrasment campaign…. Because I am finding I need a place to vent. And these wAPs need to be told to STOP!
And for the record, I’m not reading to “learn” how to “help” my daughter. There are plenty of resources out there for that. And I fully expect to make my own share of mistakes in raising her.
I am reading because I have discovered a whole world of talented folks that I didn’t know existed. I read because what you and the others write is interesting and intelligent and enlightening (on many human levels). And I have grown to like you all as people.
Sorry for taking your space, Sume. I won’t do it again.
Peace.
Another adoptive mom of Chinese daughters here –
I think most insensitive “China-doll” parents certainly do not intend to be cruel or insensitive – they just ARE NOT AWARE of the effect of their words. They are not even aware that they are not aware.
Here’s a story. We have a live-in nanny from Brazil, I’ll call her Jen. Jen does not have a mean bone in her body, she loves my daughters and they love her. Shes not racist – she herself is biracial. My daughters tease her and she teases them – but always in a loving spirit, no one’s feelings are getting hurt.
The other day my 5 yo daughter came to me and laughingly teased me about being Chinese, and pulled my eyes into the squinty-eyes thing. Jen had been teasing her, she didn’t see it as offensive or hurtful, just funny, as funny as teasing Jen about her boobies showing in her bikini top.
So what to do? I don’t want my daughters to start to see meanness where there is none – but I don’t want my daughters doing the squinty-eyes thing – because in our (PC) culture its not acceptable. It is considered acceptable – not mean or racist – in Brazilian culture – but not here. So I as-gently-as-possible explained to my daughter that we don’t do that here – and then tried to explain to Jen that although I KNOW she did not mean anything cruel by it, we don’t do that here. I think she was left feeling slightly confused, slightly guilty, and with that “those crazy Americans” feeling.
So what’s my point? Instead of making clueless adoptive parents defensive about their unintended insensitivities, I think its more effective and IN THEIR DAUGHTERS’ BEST INTEREST to educate them more gently. Of course, responsible adoptive parents should WANT to learn the subtleties of sensitivity – if they don’t even want to be educated, they have no business adopting.
Diane, I saw that pet/owner statement and immediately pictured her as some kind of adoptee collector. Like I said, there's just so much about that blog that disgusts me. The more I read, the more it seemed more about her than anything else. It's people like her that make aparents look really bad.
Jeanine, that is what I mean when I say "clueless". They are blind to their own racism, classism and arrogance.
"Shes not racist – she herself is biracial." Being bi-racial doesn't necessarily provide any kind of racism repellant. A person can be bi-racial and still be racist, many times without them even realizing it. Do I need to bring up that addidas shoe and the chinky face? Everyone can be racist.
"I don’t want my daughters to start to see meanness where there is none – but I don’t want my daughters doing the squinty-eyes thing – because in our (PC) culture its not acceptable."
Do you even recognize when there is meanness involved? Just because your daughters aren't getting hurt now, doesn't mean they're not going to feel hurt later. Do you understand how betrayed they might feel later on because you did not make them aware of how racist that kind of teasing is? The way you down-play it and seem to dismiss it as merely PC shit makes me sick and shows how clueless you are. But of course, it's easy for you because you've never been a victim of the chinky-chant. Is your daughter going to grow up in Brazil? HERE it's very mean, very racist and that is what is going to count if she is ever teased in that way HERE. She's not going to give a damn about BRAZIL because all she'll feel is the hurt. That is of course, unless you succeed in making her so oblivious to racism that she doesn't even recognize it which is even more sad.
It's aparents' responsibilty to educate themselves BEFORE they adopt so that they are able to look after their children's best interests. It's not Diane's job or mine or anyone else's. It's up to white aparents to step out of their own protective shell of privilege and learn to see through the eyes of their adopted Asian children. If they can't do that, THEN they have no business adopting.
No. I will not teach my daughters that unthinking comments made by people who sincerely love them have some underlying meanness. I will not teach my daughters to live lives of suspiciousness and defensiveness, finding racism wherever they look. I will teach my daughters to recognize the difference between ignorance and maliciousness. They may very well be the victims of deliberate racially-oriented meanness at some point, or any other kind of deliberate meanness – we’ll talk about how to deal with that as well.
Jeanine,
Its the lifetime of unthinking remarks that results in internalized racial hatred. The “unthinking comments made by people who sincerely love them” are the ones that can and will do the most harm in the long run. Underlying meanness isn’t necessary. Its the words that hurt and get internalized.
You do not have to teach your children to be suspicious and defensive. It is YOUR job to be vigiliant and aware and to STOP the remarks and if need be cut off contact with those who cannot stop making the remarks. It is YOUR job to provide your children with safe haven from the unthinking comments that will be dished out by the rest of the world. If they can’t escape the unthinking, insensiteve comments within their own family… well, then where can they be safe from harrassment? Where?
You absolutely have to step outside of yourself and your experiences and your perceptions… they are useless in raising your children.
Teaching love and forgiveness are good noble things. Teaching tolerance for racism is NOT a noble thing. Fighting it begins with recognizing it and it is much more pervasive and subtle than you may think. And, honestly, “meanness” has nothing to do with it. Racial slurs and stereotypes are often presented in the most “innocent” way.
Oh my…
Diane, you beat me to it.
Jeanine, I'm not suggesting that you should teach your daughters "to live lives of suspiciousness and defensiveness, finding racism wherever they look". Let me try this without the attitude. You said you understand that their experiences and understanding of racism will differ from your own. My experiences and understanding of racism differs from yours, still it seems you want to reduce what I've said to my suggesting you make your daughters paranoid.
Do you understand that not everyone will see your daughters the same way you do and it may not always be obvious to you when someone is being racist. How can you teach them to deal with the racism they may experience later in life if you, yourself can't recognize it? Perhaps, I feel the need to stress it because I feel you constantly underplay it. Of course, you don't want to teach your children to be racist or paranoid. I don't think you want to make them so oblivious to racism that they're constantly victimized by it because they are not prepared to either recognize it or deal with it.
Sume,
After reading your post, and reading the blog you referred to, I find that I could not agree with you more. I just wanted to let you know that I, as someone going into the adoption process, absolutely appreciate hearing your viewpoint. I definitely agree that it is VITAL to educate yourself on every aspect of race in this society BEFORE adopting a child of a race other than your own. If nothing else, simply for the fact that your child is going to experience this world in a completely different way than you. I do not know what it is like to grow up being anything other than a white female, for this reason I have to acknowledge all of my ignorance and work to resolve it. Oh, and your comment about the irony of adoption, that the child must experience such a tragic loss in order to be adopted in the first place. I think about that all the time, and it is very sad. It makes an adoptive parent have very mixed emotions. Anyways, I guess I’m talking in circles. All I really wanted to say is that I really did enjoy your blog!
Sarah
Thanks Sarah, you know I can handle someone saying that they’re trying to “get it”, aren’t sure they do, but they keep trying anyway. It’s people who act like they get it after only reading a few blogs, books and taking a few “awareness classes. It took me a lifetime of experiences to know what I know and I’m not even sure I even “get it” half the time. There’s no diploma for this kind of thing. As someone once said to me, mixed emotions are good, it just means you’re thinking.
I’ve been a lurker for a while, but wanted to wade into the discussion. I’m a potential adoptive parent (from China). We are in the ‘waiting’ stage. Why would I lurk here? So far, I haven’t found a forum with other potential adoptive parents where it feels really safe to discuss the ambivalence I feel about this all (I know your blog is not that either, it’s simply your blog). There’s some intelligent discussion, but not much (God help me, if I see another ladybug or ‘red thread’ quote….).
I started out this process with a pretty standard Pollyanna-ish attitude (adoption is a win-win situation). Then I started some reading, including from the adoptees perspective and the situation got murkier. I visited some blogs and forums and it got even murkier. Gray area? It’s nothing but gray, as far as I can see (Isn’t most of life lived in the gray area?).
The only perfect situation is having children raised by their bio parents in loving homes, having the financial means to do so. All other situations are less than perfect.
How many of us can say we had that? I was raised by my bio parents, we had enough to eat, lacking on the loving side, lots of issues.
Are we participating/ implicated in the disastrous social situation in China, where women are forced into third trimester abortions or to leave their babies? Has international adoption created a demand that must now be fed?
Are we being selfish? Yes, probably, although I think the decision to parent (bio included) is most often based on the needs of the parent.
I certainly don’t have any answers and I don’t need you to make it OK or palatable. Thanks for the intelligent discussion.
Cindy, there's a website called Soul of Adoption. I think it's fairly new but they have a discussion forum that you might be interested in. I haven't thoroughly checked it out yet, but it might be what you're looking for.
Everytime I see references to red threads and lady bugs, I want to puke. I always intended to do a post on it but I feel so sick after doing the research, I can't write.
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